Who I am and who I will be

This has been a very interesting week for me. It was my first week home since being laid off from my day job. Although I have been a little restless at times, I haven’t exactly gone stir-crazy or anything with all this added time on my hands. It’s actually been a very contemplative week, and that has been a blessing.

I’ve written a lot this week—not necessarily here on the blog, because although I already share quite a bit about myself, I sometimes think I should hold back on sharing too much information! Oh, but here I go anyway…

During this week, I’ve thought a lot about who I am and who I still want to be. I’ve thought about where I want my focus to be, and have even thought about some of my relationships. The New Year is coming soon. That is my favorite holiday actually, and so, it’s been perfect having this time to “figure things out” and plan for what I want in 2008.

My life has been an amazing journey so far. I am proud that, for all I have experienced in my life I have found my way to total gratitude for having learned so much along the way. Above all, I have learned to be self-empowered. For me, that means I can always choose happiness, regardless of life’s difficulties. I clearly remember saying to myself at the age of 13, “I do not have a happy life.” I decided that then, and until a few years ago, I could never say I had a happy life and fully believe it. Now I say it with confidence. I am happy! …and even more so, I like who I am.

I still want more though. I want to Be more. I want to experience more. For all the uncertainties I still have in my life, I do have a knowing there is still much more for me. So here I am, ready for what is next. But what is that exactly?

Well, this is the part where I don’t usually share (with strangers anyway). It’s more personal, and I would never write about my specific relationships with others unless they knew about it. But this is more about ME than about them. It always is, actually.

I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years preoccupied with what others thought of me, more specifically in my dating life. It’s been a fun time, but I haven’t exactly been attracting relationships that fully support who I am and what I want. I’ve spent more time trying to be who they wanted, not enough of being true to myself, and still expecting to be treated how I deserve to be treated. That combination doesn’t really work though, and I have spent a lot of time distracted by some of the lessons from those situations, preventing me from creating the whole life that I want for myself. Something within me needs to demand better, because I’m simply tired of settling for less.

Ok, so what did that little bit of information have to do with my week? Well, it’s a major part of my overall life refocusing. I want every part of my life to be the best it can be. There’s no more… In the meantime, I will do this… or… In the meantime, I will settle for that... I realize now that I simply want everything to be the way I want it to be! And my new focus needs to be on Being the person who will attract all of that to me… whatever I decide that will be. It’s still unfolding, but it’s definitely becoming clearer.

So again, it’s been a very interesting week. However, I must say that realizing I want to continue being happy, that I want to create even more for myself in the new year, and that I only want to experience the best relationships possible, has made it all very well worth this first week of being home with all the extra time. I cannot even imagine what will come up for me next week!