Sisters

I usually describe myself as being raised as an only child. I actually have four sisters and one brother. However, for the most part, I wasn’t really raised with them. I was raised mostly by my dad, my paternal grandmother and my uncle. Because of my non-traditional upbringing, most of my life I’ve had this kind of a negative attitude about family relationships. I always felt something big lacking in regards to family, and wore the idea of having no “real” family like it was a badge or something. It’s how I defined myself. I would explain that although I did have siblings, I wasn’t raised with any of them, so that was why we weren’t very close.

My brother and I have the same father and different mothers. But my sisters and I have the same mother and different fathers. I have two older sisters with whom I have the most memories from childhood. When I would visit them and my mom while growing up, my sisters would take turns taking me places, like to the movies or with them to hang out with their friends’. Although I felt like they were babysitting me, those were still very special times. However, I think because it was so painful to always be leaving them, as I grew, I simply blocked the potential for any real sisterly feelings. Then as an adult, it was just easier for me to use the circumstance of being raised separately as an excuse for not being closer to them.

As for my two younger sisters, they were born when I was already a teenager. While I loved being close to them when they were little, my mom moved to Denver when they were young. So, since I missed most of their childhood, there was my excuse for not being close to them either.

However, this past year something big has shifted for me in my relationships with my sisters. I’m not even sure how or why, but something is definitely different. I have come to absolutely LOVE my sisters!

The two younger ones are grown now, and still don’t live in California, so unfortunately I don’t see or even talk to them often. However, one is a mother now, and the other one happens to be celebrating her birthday today, and so I really do think of them more these days.

My older sisters, however, have become extra special to me. They are both married and have their own lives, but as I said, something has shifted in my feelings for them. I talk to them much more these days. I enjoying being with them more. And I simply appreciate them more than ever.

In thinking about how this happened, I would have to say that I am a little surprised. After all, my two older sisters and I are all now in our 40’s. So I would think that if we haven’t been able to be close up to now, it would probably never happen. However, I believe it is something within ME that has changed. Maybe I have let my guard down, finally allowing myself to receive the love they have always tried to give me. One of them has always tried to be closer to me, but I never really knew how to reciprocate. But in a recent conversation with my other sister, she began telling me how much I was always loved. She said that when I would visit them as a child, I was so special, that the two of them would fight for my attention. No way, I replied. That is not the way I remember it at all! I had always felt like such a burden, coming to visit and disturbing their lives. I honestly believed that I was unwanted. So I cannot even describe how shocking it was to hear how they really felt about me—all these years later.

I was never unwanted. I was always loved. But I didn’t know that, because as I grew I continued to believe what I created in my mind as a child.

These days, I am so happy because I am free from that misguided belief. It's so much easier now to allow the love from my sisters into my life. I can appreciate that I do have a real family, and in fact, had one all along. I now accept their love and freely give my love to them in return. And while it feels long overdue, it is definitely not too late!

So here’s to ALL my very special sisters today, with love.

** After I wrote this post, I thought it would be nice to add a picture of the three of us older sisters from when we were little. I never remember seeing this particular picture before, but this is what I found as I went through what I had. It immediately stood out to me because my sisters are hugging me as if to have me for themselves. How cool for me to find this now! On the back, my mom wrote, "Late Christmas for Donna, Jan 1970" I still have that stuffed dog today too. His name is Marky.





** And here we are today... all grown up.





p.s. My sister Tracy is a huge inspiration to me these days. I am thinking of her much today as well. She is living her own amazing journey and has gone through an amazing transformation. You can read all about it on Tracy's Blog.

p.s.s. I’ll write about my very special brother (who I am soooo proud of) another day!