An opportunity to appreciate

One thing I am reminded whenever I am going through difficult times is that there are still countless things in life to appreciate.

As I’ve been mentioning, my uncle who raised me is not well and is now to the point of needing constant care. He wants to be with me so I have recently been spending most of my time taking care of him. I’ve been a bit tired, but some of the family is helping, so this week while he was staying with my aunt I had some time for myself.

I was able to go on a few coffee and dinner dates with my friends, hang out with my daughter a bit, go to the movies, get a haircut, and sleep in as late as I wanted. It has been great! Even taking the time to be outside, taking a deep breath while looking up at the sky evoked a wonderful feeling within me.

These have been beautiful days to re-charge. I feel a great sense of appreciation for my life, as it felt really good to be able to take care of myself in a way that I have not had the chance to do in several weeks now.

The thing is though, this is my normal life! I am always taking care of myself. And I usually do have all this time to do whatever I want and whenever I want.

Wow, how blessed am I? I already have a great life. But it took the time away from my usual lifestyle to remember to appreciate it.

I’ve been feeling some guilt for not being able to do more for my uncle. I’ve been feeling as though I NEED to care for him 100%, without relying on other family members to help. But this week of rejuvenation has helped me realize that I can have both. I can help him a lot, and then take the help from family so I can take care of myself as well.

Tomorrow I’m off to the beach with my sister Tracy… then it’s back to taking care of my uncle on Saturday. Helping my uncle is really an honor, not only because I am able to be here for him as he needs, but also because he has given me more opportunity to appreciate in this life of mine—including even more appreciation for him!

The next step is acceptance

I’ve been spending the last week or so managing the things going on in my life right now. I recently wrote about not resisting what is, when something is not as I want it to be. The not resisting wasn’t too difficult, but the acceptance (the next part) has been a bit harder.

As I have mentioned before, I was primarily raised by my dad, along with my paternal grandmother and uncle. They were all my parents.

Grandma (left), Uncle Alvin, Donna (1st Bday), and my dad (sitting)

From one perspective, it is a blessing to have had “extra” parents. But to be honest, I have struggled with those blessings. From early on, I didn’t like that I wasn’t in a traditional family. And to make things worse, my dad moved away when I was eleven, leaving me with just my grandma and uncle. As ungrateful as it seems to me now, I used to think… Who gets raised by their grandma and uncle? I want to be like everyone else, with a mom and a dad. Even though I was spoiled by my grandma and uncle, it was still emotionally difficult for me, as I was desperate to understand why I wasn’t given the chance in this life to be “normal”.

When I was 27 (1993) my dad became ill and he wanted me to be the one to help him. I loved my dad so much that I would have done anything for him, so of course I stepped up. It was a huge heartbreak for me to watch him get sicker and then to lose him shortly after.

In a condolence card from my mom, she wrote something like… Maybe we finally know why you were raised by your dad—so that you would be close to him and would be there when he needed you. Whether or not that was true (because sometimes we, including my mom, never get the whys of life) it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. After 27 years, I finally felt a sense of relief from my lack of understanding, as it was now replaced with a new belief of a purpose for my childhood circumstances.

It was three years later that I lost my grandma as well.

This leaves my Uncle Alvin. I’ve been sharing that he’s been sick. He’s not getting better and so now, he’s become the center of my life. Similar to my dad, my uncle also wants me to be the one to help him. And of course, I am. But I must admit it’s very difficult. I am having feelings that I don’t want to have. I get flashbacks of that teenager who thinks… Who is like me? If I would have just had a normal upbringing, then maybe I'd need to deal with two big losses (which I’ve already had so far). But now I’m going on my third! And while my mom is still young and healthy, she’s in the back of my mind as well.

Suddenly, all my extra parents don’t seem like such blessings. Isn’t that a horrible thing to say? Honestly, that sentence is not true at all. There’s just a lot of fear going on with me at the moment. I love all my parents, and I am extremely grateful for the abundance of love I have had in my life from having so many to care for me. But the anticipation of possibly more loss coming in the near future makes way for crazy thoughts.

I could easily edit what I’m writing here, but I’d rather just write honestly because I’m working on the acceptance stage for where I am with my uncle. Maybe I need to remember the possible purpose for having been raised by him—so I can be here for him now. He never married nor had any children of his own, but he freely gave all his love and attention to me. In return, he deserves all the love and caring in the world as well. This I know and so this I will give!

Without contrast, who would I be?

I’ve been told many times, from people who know me well, that I like drama. Admittedly, what they say is fairly accurate. This doesn’t mean I’m a trouble-maker. In fact, I love people and it fills me greatly when I can add happiness to someone’s life.

The kind of drama I mean, is the kind that makes me feel life more deeply.

My life is always changing. I’m a risk-taker (not extreme, but more than many are comfortable with). I learn big “lessons” and spend much of my time thinking about what I want next for myself in this life. And I am always wanting more. I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood. Maybe it’s just human nature—my real belief. The difference for me is that I often "jump off the cliff", whereas others may not think it’s such a good idea.

Whatever the reason I do what I do, I accept that I prefer my life to include a certain level of drama, change, and an excitement of the unknown future. Yes, it’s scary and uncomfortable at times, and I do often question myself. But I just don’t think I’d have it any other way.

As usual, I have some challenges going on in my life right now. If I didn’t I would probably find a way to create some anyway. But I didn’t consciously create some of the things going on at the moment. It’s fine though, because I still sense the opportunity for something valuable as I reflect on what these things mean for me.

With every life challenge and its drama, I discover more of who I am. Contrast is actually one of the greatest gifts in my life. Without it, I might feel blank or bored or without purpose.

I am definitely not blank or bored. And I definitely feel a sense of purpose (not as clearly felt earlier in my life).

Lately though, I’ve been thinking about the overall theme unintentionally coming out in this Blog. I began wondering if those of you who read it were getting a sense that I am always being challenged by others and with unhappiness. Maybe. The thing is though, that even if I am, I still very much enjoy my journey. I love my life because with every challenge comes a better understanding of who I am and what I want in my life. Whether or not everything goes my way on a daily basis is not the biggest issue, because above all, I am grateful for everything that has helped me become the person I know myself to be (so far). Yes, there are shadows and areas of darkness, but definitely lots of color as well!

Yesterday, a close friend (yes, I’ll call him that ;-)) who knows what is going on with me right now, called. Jokingly, he said that he thinks he’s a good singer and asked if I’d like to hear him. Of course, I said. So he started singing. Boy was it bad! But he sure cracked me up. At the end of the call I thanked him for calling and for making me laugh—to which he replied that that was the point—to cheer me up!

We don’t have to be perfect at anything… making choices, in our actions, or even at singing. Just appreciating all we get from whatever happens makes life feel better. Any contrast as a result of life experiences simply gives us clarity of what’s really important. And with that idea on my mind today, I am reminded how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life, the experiences that help me grow, the increased understanding of the person I am always becoming, and most importantly the contrast that helps me see that overall, I have a very good life!

Not resisting what is

I had an amazing couple of days! I have been so happy to be feeling so much better after my bout with the flu and the less than joyous feelings I allowed during that time. I am getting out again, hanging out with my friends, had a great day with my daughter, and began looking forward to what more I can create for myself for the rest of the month. And with the new and better feelings coming from the last couple of days, I even got some exciting news… including a strong possibility for an opportunity in an area of work I would simply love to add to my life.

Much of this great experience came, I believe, as result of the work I’ve been doing to become inspired again about living a joyful life. My illness and unhappiness over the last few weeks was unusually long for me at this point in my life, but by the time I went to sleep last night I was definitely feeling a huge relief from the darkness I had been in.

One of the things I did to help myself back into this better state was to watch the new classes that Oprah is doing with Eckhart Tolle based on his new book called, A New Earth. I am not reading the book, but I’ve decided over the last couple of days to watch the classes (so far the first two are available on Oprah.com) just to get an idea of what they are discussing. They’ve been quite insightful, and as a non note-taker (I usually just watch or listen), I surprised myself by jotting down a sentence here and there. Some things just resonated with me so much, I found myself wanting to make sure I kept note of it.

So with a handful of new sentences to think about, I had planned on writing tonight about one that seemed most applicable to my life at the moment. However, that particular topic suddenly took a back seat when something quite emotionally disturbing came up for me tonight. But as I took some time to absorb what happened, I began to realize something quite important for myself, having just noted these other sentences last night (in regards to not wanting what is)...

“Do not resist what is. Accept it …then take action to change it.” –Eckhart Tolle

For many, when we find out something is not how we want it to be, our first reaction is to resist it. I sometimes do this as well. I get upset, carry on about how I don’t like it, and then think and think and think about what I don’t want. It’s just so easy to go down that road.

Eckhart Tolle suggested we don’t do this. In fact, as someone who teaches this stuff, I suggest very similar ideas to my clients as well. I believe in the Universal Law of Attraction and that means if I add energy to that which I don’t want, I attract more of what I don’t want. So I do know this.

But tonight, in the moment I became aware of something I didn’t like, I went right for the thoughts of that which I didn’t want. I instantly became stressed about it, and must admit, also spent a bit of time upset that my happiness over the last couple of days seemed to be wiped out in just a moment. Then, I remembered…

I took some time tonight. I became quiet. I turned off my computer. I turned off my tv. I just sat with myself and accepted what is. I decided that whatever happened, all is still well. I decided that tomorrow I will take action, but tonight I will simply stay calm.

So without resisting what is, followed by an acceptance, ideas for solutions started to come to me. And then… my peace came back.

It’s been a few hours since this happened, but I am again in the space of remembering that no matter what happens from here, all is still well.

--Although I could be writing about a number of things that sometimes occur in my life, this post was again about my Uncle Alvin (posted 2/5/08). His health situation gave me yet another scare, but in this moment he is ok. And as I always say, now is all that matters.

I forgot to stay well

Yeah, I know… It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything.

The flu that I swore wouldn’t affect me, did. I was very surprised actually. After all, I am the strongest when it comes to avoiding illness. My belief that we have power over whether or not we get sick was surely tested though.

It was a Friday morning. As soon as I opened my eyes that morning I knew something was wrong. I felt weighed down in my bed as though I was covered with bricks. Ughhh, it was awful.

It took more than a week and a half before I even went out of my house for anything more than a quick errand. I’m good about being able to stay home for a few days, but eventually the “cabin fever” hit me pretty bad. I hated it!

Over the last week or so I’ve been able to do a bit more, but I am still not back 100%. I haven’t been able to go to the gym, and yesterday when I went for a walk with my sister Tracy, I coughed half of the time. I’m sick of being sick. The good news though, is that I’ve decided I’m done and will now be well :-)

But why did I get sick in the first place? As I said, I believe we have some say over illness. Not everyone would agree with me, but this is my belief. And because it’s my belief, it’s true for me. I have gone through many flu seasons and rarely get sick for anything more than a day or so. I simply will it away.

This time was different though. I couldn’t will it away—or maybe I simply forgot to.

All of those days lying around my house trying to recover allowed me plenty of time to reflect on how I even became susceptible to this flu. Yeah, lots of people got it. But that is not a good reason to me. What changed for me in the days leading up to that Friday morning? Ah, yep, something did happen!

I don’t really want to share the personal details, but I can say that it very much had to do with how I was feeling in regards to a particular situation going on with me at the time. It’s been a life-long struggle for me… feeling loved, that is. I write about love (in fact, was my last post) and identify it as much as I can because it’s an effort for me to simply remember it. I have to consciously acknowledge that I am loved in order to remember it’s all around me. It’s just my thing.

Anyway, I had been questioning a situation that happened right before I got sick. I forgot who I AM and allowed my feelings to go to places not in my best interest. Then, the initial sickness and the subsequent cabin fever led to even more difficult feelings (the kind where I try to add proof for my negative feelings), which only prolonged the road to recovery. It has not been fun!

But I’ve finally decided to get myself out of that place. I started seeking inspiration again (my number one recommendation!) and am happy to report that I’m much better. I’m getting back to the person I’d rather be. I’m back to remembering why I love my life and why it’s important for me to be happy. For me it’s a choice—a choice to remember that the quality of my life is within my own power and that wellness comes naturally from happiness! Feels like Springtime! Yeah!

In love today...

From the two phone calls from dear friends last night just after midnight (hoping to be the first to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day!), to the Valentine's note from my sister in Colorado at 1am, to the conversation with my daughter first thing this morning, to the chocolates that were delivered from a best friend today at lunch time... I am abundantly reminded why my life so special.

Today I am conscious of all the love that surrounds me and am feeling extremely grateful. Happy Valentine's Day!

Attitude of empowerment

This is craziness! I teach empowerment. I live empowerment (as much as possible, anyway!) And I still have to remind myself what I’m doing when I’m blaming others for not doing what they are “supposed” to be doing for me.

One thing that gets to me is when people don’t do what they say. They say they are going to do something, and so, that is what I expect. Ohhhh, expectations! Those can get me in trouble. Well, not in trouble, rather cause me much frustration. So within the last week or so, I find myself expecting that in these two particular cases on the top of my head right now, that these people will do what they say they are going to do. But they have not!

So over the last couple of days, I find myself talking to myself. What is going on? What do I need to do to convince them to do what they said they are going to do?

All of the talking in my head was about them, them, them… and their effects on me!

Now, if a client of mine were to tell me what I was telling myself, I would have had an answer immediately. I would have told him/her to look and him/herself. There’s no power in victimhood. And there's little chance of trying to get someone to do something you want them to do, and still be at peace about it. See? That was easy. Then I would have followed up with more about what an empowered person would do in such a situation.

Well, sometimes that is what it takes—pretending that I am my own client. I realized that if I am having such a hard time at being empowered, then looking at it from the point of why I am attracting such behavior should at least help me change my attitude. I can simply create the attitude of empowerment for myself. In other words, maybe “fake it until I make it”.

So this is what I’m working on for myself for today. I am changing my attitude. I'm going to stop looking for ways to get these people to do what I want them to do and focus on who I need to be in order to attract what I want. I admit, sometimes it’s just difficult to feel empowered. But changing my attitude is a good first step to getting back to that place. Now, maybe I’ll find a little peace in knowing that in this moment, all is as it should be. I can tell, I'm feeling better already :-)

All is well!!